My liver just broke up with me...
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
