do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
did i walk over a car last night?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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