bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
