i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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