Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize