Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
