my mouth tastes like poor choices
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
