Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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