I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
