never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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