FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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