I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
