You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
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