so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i came on her dog
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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