Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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