Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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