i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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