Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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