My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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