it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
