Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
