He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
