Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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