the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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