saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
