he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
