Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
