dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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