life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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