We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
