you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Naked Twister starts at high noon
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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