I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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