Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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