So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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