Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize