I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
