Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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