Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize