Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
