why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
