As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I stole a fireplace last night.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
