I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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