how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
