im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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