But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
