my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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