Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
