so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
My liver is preforming stress tests.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
