they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
