you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
