I wish my penis had an off switch
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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