sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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