When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
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