im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
