Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
