Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
