me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
