Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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