my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
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