Whatcha textin bout Willis?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
